I have to be honest with you, I don’t think I’ve been kind to myself in the past couple of weeks. If you feel the same way or is just purely interested in how I would put my story into words, then by all means read on.
It is so easy and far too tempting, to open someone else’s Instagram page and measure yourself by what you see. Trust me, I know how bad it can get. One night, I was bored and I went on to this girl’s page. She doesn’t know who I am. We’ve never even met and yet the sight of her face was almost as familiar as the people I see every day. Two minutes later I was on the phone with my best friend, bawling my eyes out. All because I was bored. It’s akin to drugs, I suppose. You think you’d feel better, and don’t get me wrong, for a few minutes it was a blissful distraction, but you don’t know how much damage it causes. How unkind you’re being to yourself. I wasn't beautiful, when compared to her. I felt uncool, when compared to her. I felt so insignificant, when compared to her. The thing is, the only person comparing was myself. I knew better than this. It feels like floating on open ocean, seeing an island you know you should go to but having neither the fight nor will to swim. It hurts, how much I want to land on shore. But I owe it to myself. I owe it to the little girl I once was and the woman I am going to become. I have to fight. We have to fight. All these negative thoughts about yourself, it’s just in your head. Say ‘fuck you’ to those voices. You don’t belong in my mind. I am my own person, with my own journey to explore. The journey has not and will not be easy. I don’t need to compare myself to anyone. I love me. In the end, the only person who can pull yourself together is you. Sure, being around friends or loved ones help. They truly do, but this one you have to conquer yourself. Because that’s the only way victory will last. So, here’s my note to myself and to my sisters; do not go down without a fight. The tides will change. The current might pull you in and you’d think you’re drowning but you’re not. Maybe one day you can make the ocean your friend and rise with its tides instead. Rise above the negativity. Be kind to others. Be kind to ourselves. Close your eyes and feel the soul inside you. Say, “I’m sorry. I love you. Thank you for existing.” If any of you made it here, congrats! Thank you for being here and there and everywhere! I love you. Remember to love you too, okay?
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March 2020
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